How to Talk to Your Child about Your OCD?

This blog is full of hope and understanding, although I do want to start at the beginning and that includes a little story about upset. If you want to skip the background part of this blog, please go right ahead!

If you have ever felt awful about the possibility of your OCD affecting the little ones around you, please know that you're not alone! Up until the point Will was about nine, I'd done a pretty Herculean job of hiding my OCD from him. And where I couldn't directly hide something, I disguised it or distracted my way out of it. Despite this smoke and mirrors ability, I always knew there would come a point where I would be spotted. I will never forget the first time I asked my son to do a blatantly obvious compulsion for me by checking the cooker before we went out somewhere. I was so devastated by the confused look on his face that I had to do a ton of recovery work to help me get over what felt like a life-altering moment. Note to reader: it really wasn't - we totally got over it! :) I wrote about the experience and how I dealt with it here. It contains loads of ideas that might help you out too so please consider checking it out!

Right, back to where we were! Let's talk about how to talk to our children and young people about our OCD.

Context is important.

No one knows the context of the situation better than you. What suits one situation may not work in another. How old is the young person? What is their knowledge of mental health and well-being? What is your relationship like?

I've always known that big sit-down talks about my mental health, no matter how positive and encouraging, would feel overwhelming to my son, and the last thing I want him to do is feel lectured or pressured into a formal discussion. If he spots me doing a compulsion, I sometimes let it go. Other times, I will say something like 'Ugh, OCD is being loud today!' I used to add ideas about self-care to that sentence, such as 'I'll have to make special care to talk extra nicely to myself today', and this used to work wonders. He used to do it to himself too, but as he's got older, he's started to find that patronising, so again I've adjusted. Teenagers! :)

Make sure it's age-appropriate.

Children develop at very different stages, and again you will have a rough idea about what your child will be able to take in, but try to make sure that you use your words carefully. If it's a young child, you may choose to avoid scientific terms or processes alternatively. It might be easier to explain that sometimes 'mommy or daddy worries a lot and has a hard time turning those thoughts off!'. Try to consider what to leave out too, some obsessions, particularly intrusive thoughts of a harmful nature, can be very scary for adults, let alone young people.

Add reassurance.

Reassurance is not particularly helpful for those of us with OCD, BUT it is very helpful when telling young people about your experiences with it. Reassure your young people that you still love them, that you are doing everything you can to feel better, that sometimes life is tough, and that you are seeing it as an opportunity to learn to take extra good care of yourself.

Make sure you are in the right headspace if possible.

How you explain something can have more of an impact than what you're actually saying. Even if OCD is kicking your butt at the moment, if you can, talk to your young person when you are feeling a little bit better. We absolutely don't want to pretend everything is okay, but if possible, waiting until we are calmer is less likely to frighten your young person or child.

Normalise conversations that are essential to well-being.

Pretty much every family you know has someone with a mental health condition in it. Maybe it's even OCD! Most people you know have struggled at one time or another, and most people have either been to therapy or know someone who has been. Making conversations around mental health, well-being, therapy and support just part of your everyday conversations stands to benefit everyone!

Be careful about parentification.

Parentification happens when children and young people begin to take on responsibilities that generally fall to adults. This can be in terms of providing emotional support, doing chores, meeting responsibilities, etc. Again, context is needed here; asking for help a couple of times a year is not parentification. Nor is talking to a young person about your OCD. But it can creep into that if we begin to put a little too much pressure onto our young ones for support.

If you think you might be doing this, please be extra, extra, kind to yourself. OCD is very tricky! You can begin to reverse this cycle by placing as much of a focus on OCD recovery as possible, and you can always talk to your GP or OCD charity, such as OCD Action. You will not be the only person who feels this way. Sending you loads and loads of love!

We bond over shared stories

There's nothing worse than being interrupted when you are sharing something that's bothering you, and very often, as parents, we want to jump straight in to try to fix things for our young people. But where it's appropriate, I share things I've been through that are similar to his current circumstances and how I tried to address them. This has been a low-pressure way of dropping in some of my experiences with OCD. But if you choose to do this, please be very careful not to make the conversation totally about you. If a young person is talking to you about something they are struggling with, that is precious, and you don't want to make sure you are giving them your full attention and support. :)

But I don't want to tell my child about my OCD.

This is totally fair dos, and there are many valid reasons why you might choose not to talk to your young person about your OCD. There is no pressure or judgment here at all. You have to do what is right for you.

So to wrap it all up...

It can be tricky to work out how to talk to your young people about your OCD, or even whether to do it at all. Please remember that you don't need to rush this decision or what you choose to say. You can always come back later and add more information or context if you want to. It's harder to reverse something that was rushed or said out of fear, though it would be totally understandable if this is how it came out - OCD can have us pushed to our absolute limits. Whether or however you choose to talk to your young person, one thing is always helpful, and that is to build an open, supportive relationship with them so you can have these all-important conversations as they come up.

Sending you loads of love as always! I hope this post has helped.

Catherine xx

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